If there’s anyone who loves paper more than people, hands down, it’s Dwight Schrute.
Assistant (to the) Regional Branch Manager of the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company in Scranton, Pennsylvania, Dwight Kurt Schrute III, played by Rainn Wilson, has entertained countless viewers of The Office US worldwide with his hilarious antics and inappropriate one-liners.
Donning aviator glasses and his signature smirk, Dwight is not your average sales employee of a paper products company. Besides being a trusty sidekick to Michael Scott, the Regional Branch Manager, Dwight is also a dedicated beet farmer and best describes himself as ‘hard-working, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable’ (his words, not ours!).
Perhaps the most eccentric and nerdy-quirky character to ever grace the small screen, Dwight is anything but the ordinary, and fans still love him! When he’s not giving Stanley a heart attack or staging a fire in the office, Dwight nurtures a not-so-secret dream of replacing Michael to become the Regional Manager of the Scranton branch.
What if we told you that in some alternate universe, he DOES achieve his dream? What would the consequences be? Not letting out any spicy spoilers from the show, but let’s imagine what it’d be like if Dwight officially took Michael’s place and became (drumroll) the Regional Branch Manager of the Dunder Mifflin Scranton, Pennsylvania branch!
Buckle up as we take you on a corporate adventure that defines Schrute-level madness!
Schrute-Level Security and Cybersecurity
It’s a well-known fact that Dwight has sworn loyalty to Dunder Mifflin and will protect it at any cost. It’s no surprise to anyone that the first order of business would be to ramp up Dunder Mifflin’s cyber security essentials.
His main plan of action is to protect the company from internal threats over the external ones. Meeting the Cyber Essentials scheme would be the least of his concerns, with him building a firewall so high that no intruder could go past it without being tracked (say goodbye to watching cat videos, Angela!).
The next order of business would be to ramp up the security at the workplace. Workplace security measures so restricted that it’ll make you question – is he a paranoid genius or borderline absurd?
Under his management, all employees entering the Scranton branch need to punch in their attendance using a hi-tech multi-factor authentication biometric device, featuring a retina scanner, fingerprint scanner, and a voice-activated password.
It doesn’t end there. To successfully gain entry, you must answer a security question that changes daily. For example: ‘What’s Dwight’s pet goat called?’
He makes it mandatory for all using the internet to ensure their system meets ‘Schrute Security Encryption’ (SSE) standards. This means, other than sending emails and accessing the Dunder Mifflin website, you’ll need a personalised 21-digit alphanumeric passkey to open any client’s or a search engine website. Enter the wrong passkey and get blocked for an hour.
Dwight also insists everyone carry a pair of nunchucks and pepper spray as safety devices and could be randomly subjected to surprise inspections and checks.
To top it all, all employees must adhere to the new and improved version of the Dunder Mifflin Code of Conduct, better known as ‘The Schrute Code of Conduct’ – a 787-page manual detailing dos and don’ts of workplace security. It includes a chapter dedicated to dealing with ‘potential cyber-attacks’ by chucking a huge sack of beetroots at them.
Break Time – The Schrute Way
To boost productivity and reduce time from wasteful activities, as the new Regional Manager, Dwight has the power to introduce a path-breaking initiative – staggered weather-intuitive break times.
He has mandated employees take staggered breaks of only 10 minutes each and only during the allotted times, with no two employees taking breaks at the same time.
To test the employees’ abilities to remain healthy all year round, Dwight encourages them to take breaks outdoors and access water coolers indoors. He has installed personalised parasols, printed with his huge bespectacled face and a small Dunder Mifflin logo next to it.
In summer, each Scranton branch employee will have to take their ten-minute breaks under a parasol branded with their name while Dwight keeps an eye on them from his comfortable air-conditioned office window.
Beta testing of this break policy will include rainy and winter seasons too! How Perfectenschlag!
Schrute’s Financial Philosophy
Now that Dwight’s an official Regional Manager, he is entitled to more powers than he would’ve as Assistant (to the) Regional Manager. His take on salary advances and payday loans is to gamify it.
That’s right, if you want a payday loan from the company, you’d have to first meet the qualifications under the Dwight Schrute Credit System. But the approved loan amount depends on how well you do on “Dwight Challenges”.
This credit system follows his own principle of diligence at Dunder Mifflin, and so he thinks it’s natural to expect employees to follow in the Regional Manager’s footsteps.
Before applying for Schrute Credit, you need to complete the Beet Bucket Challenge. Applicants need to correctly guess the number of beets in one of the farm’s barrels – blindfolded! How well you do on the challenge will determine how much loan or advance you receive on your salary, subject to Schrute Credit’s Terms and Conditions.
Though the interest rates are high, the outcome promises to be more fruitful – turning applicants into more resourceful and resilient employees. But if you default on the loan, you need to make up for it by tilling the 60-acre Schrute farmland.
Survivalist Corporate Day Out
Forget team-building activities, workshops and ‘fun-runs’. Introducing the Schrute Style Survivor Sojourn – elevating corporate days out to a whole new and intense level of physically demanding ‘fun’. Say goodbye to an easy breezy day at a beach resort and welcome a survivalist retreat!
Wondering what that looks like?
At five in the morning, all employees arrive in camouflage gear with a utility belt. Without their knowledge, Dwight leads them on a trek into the woods to “explore the wilderness”. Then, without warning, he leaves them stranded with only a map, compass, and an emergency ration pack with a pound of raw, unpeeled beets. They are left with only one message – “Survive or perish!”
But there’s help for those when they need it the most, and Dwight makes sure of it. He posts riddles and trivia questions on tree trunks, ensuring all feel entertained while solving the puzzles, even in his absence.
The winner (or the survivor) receives a trophy and is crowned Hay King for the month.
Re-Defining Human Resource Policies
The new Human Resources policies under Dwight’s managerial regime open the doors to organisational efficiency bordering on military-level intimidation. Following a branch-level revamp, HR workshops will no longer cover DEI principles, team building, leadership skills, and sales training but focus on mandatory dress codes, productivity enhancement, performance reviews, and employee incentives.
Mandatory Dress Codes
All Scranton branch employees must follow a strict dress code that embraces pale yellow and brown colour schemes. Ties are a must for all employees, regardless of their gender. On Fridays, all are welcome to wear outdoor attire, preferably camouflage colours of choice.
Productivity Boosting Workshop
Dwight is a firm believer in focusing on efforts that boost the company’s productivity, minus the motivational pep talk. The workshop is a mandatory two-day boot camp where all Scranton branch employees undergo physically demanding training.
But training is not conducted in an air-conditioned gymnasium with the speakers belting out pop music. They’ll be challenged out of their comfort zones while listening to Dwight belt off motivational speeches in his signature monotonous drawl.
Those caught slacking off will have to undergo a 6-hour intensive in-person pep talk from Dwight himself!
Employee Incentives
Just because he’s a taskmaster doesn’t mean Dwight always discourages his team. While he doesn’t believe in incentivising his team, he does want to boost job satisfaction. He encourages the top sales performer of the quarter (a title he firmly held onto for the longest time) by gifting him/ her with a special utility belt.
Performance Review
Under Dwight’s management, performance reviews are more than just filling out feedback forms, rating systems, and overall assessments based solely on results. Dwight brings a revolutionary performance review system into Dunder Mifflin that’s truly one-of-its-kind.
The Scranton branch is the ‘lucky one’ to be the first under the path-breaking review system, based on a complex algorithm relying heavily on personality attributes. The employee who ranks at the top of the system receives an incentive and an increment in salary. Others don’t. It’s as simple as that!
The unveiling ceremony of the top performer begins with a lot of pomp and show, with a scrolling jazzy LED display of their name in the conference room.
Dwight-Approved Business Trip Luggage
All luggage carried on Dunder Mifflin business trips must be carried in bags approved by Dwight himself. To him, standard luggage with designs is a sign of weakness. If he can easily carry a potato spud gun in an ordinary duffel bag to the workplace, he prefers something more rugged for inter-city travel.
He believes that luggage should not only be practical for transporting belongings, but also intimidating. For instance, as the Regional Branch Manager of the Scranton branch, he’d like his hard-shell luggage suitcase to fit his crossbow, nunchucks, and 12 bottles of pepper spray, just in case of a hijacking attempt!
Plus, he’d like to bump up the security of his TSA-approved lock with a retractable baton for emergencies. However, employees are discouraged from using this baton for solving office conflicts.
Now that you have your bag and baggage, you’re all set to check in to Hotel Hell. Check-in now, check out NEVER!
Sales Hunger Games
Sales competitions take a whole different meaning under Dwight’s regime. The sales team often hosts competitions as a morale booster to bring in a friendly competitive spirit.
But Dwight takes the frivolity of regular number-game competitions and takes them a notch higher. Scranton branch’s sales contests are designed to push employees to their limits and are often themed around survivalist scenarios.
Picture a simulated ‘Sales Hunger Games,’ where salespersons have to sell paper in increasingly challenging environments, including a mock desert and an indoor rainforest. In the jungle, there are no rules!
Utilising Office Supplies
What’s the new epicentre of Dwight Schrute’s managerial regime? The coveted conference room, of course!
Any supplies, whether it’s Dunder Mifflin’s precious paper or a bunch of staples, must be pre-approved by Dwight himself. Each employee receives a predetermined quota of office supplies every week, depending on their seniority in the workplace.
Exceed your quota, and you’ll be left with no supplies at the end of the week. No borrowing or swapping of supplies will be permitted.
To Sum Up
When it comes to managing the branch, no one does it as nerdily and eccentrically as Dwight K. Schrute. Schrute Management’s dominant principles are productivity and efficiency, and his approach to office and employee management is unparalleled, giving seasoned military officers a run for their money.
His policies are undeniably extreme, whether it’s a fun corporate day out turned into Survivor 2.0 or breaking bread under the sun and a parasol. He likes to keep his stubby finger on the pulse of his branch and his too-small nose in everyone’s business.
However, we truly do believe that Dwight would transform the Dunder Mifflin Scranton, Pennyslvannia branch into a workplace of unparalleled productivity and endless bewilderment!
So, do you think you’re ready to be a part of Dwight’s team?
